Learning from my writing mistakes #001

I dared myself to take a peek at the sample pages of my self-published novels: The House On Elm and Disturb-o-pedia. At that time, I thought they were great. I read the words out loud, chuckled then really slapped my forehead. How the hell could I put this shit out there? I questioned myself.

One thing is certain, I grew with the negative remarks left on the book's reviews section. I'm not in denial, no sir--I am certainly not, and would agree with those negative reviews. Those negative reviewers, harsh as they seem to be, are extremely beneficial, but I won't curl up into a fetal position, place my thumb in my mouth and sob away until the darkness of the night faded into morning. Here's the few things I've noticed as I re-read the sample pages from my self-published novels.

THEY DIDN'T FLOW

The words from the pages didn't flow like a river down a stream. Words should flow gently and peacefully together--chaining together like links. The words seemed to be more of a stop-and-go in a car. Similar jerkiness when a student learns to drive a car.

THE HOUSE ON ELM Sample:

The moon partially lit my room with yellow ambient light. The wind howled outside my window. While the outside old oak tree naked branches swayed, scrapping along my bedroom's windows.

Eerie chills rushed along my spine. My heart pounded like a drum while each second ticked pass.

Why was I so tensed up and so frightened? Could it be, perhaps, the new home we've moved into? It was an old Victorian home inside a small town called: Old Willows Brook.  Perhaps, the eeriness at night was from being in a foreign environment. A person can scare themselves when they're in uncharted territory. Or could the house have something more sinister, and it held twisted and demented history stained in its walls.

If I could rewind time, I would change the few paragraphs to FLOW.

It's rough moving into a new house, leaving fond memories behind, creating new memories ahead.  The new transition could be terrifying in its own right for anyone. I knew this, deep down, and I am no stranger to this uncomfortable sensation building inside my chest.  It's the first night, in a new bedroom, and my mind already began to play tricks on me. Every creak (from the house settling in) I'd heard, my bones rattled and shuttered. My ears perked up as the outside wind blew restlessly. And the ancient Oak tree scrapped its elongated fingertips across my window. My mind could vividly imagine shadows turning into shapes--maybe, even, into creatures--as the moon partially illuminated my room.

That whole revised version is rough, but you should at least get the idea. I feel that the revised version is more story telling than the original example. To me... the original version feels blah and could be redone entirely.

There are other wrong doings in the original example. Which are the following:

No one cares what is happening to the main character.

For example:

Mandy ran--ran like the wind--through the forest. And she was almost out of breath, but she had to push onward. Push onward to freedom, she forced herself. 

Who the fuck is Mandy? Why in the hell is she running? Who is she running from? What the hell is going on here? You can possibly agree that it does create a interesting hook line for the first chapter. But I would have to jump way back in the story and explain how Mandy go to that point.

I'm not an expert at all, but I will try to always to improve as a writer. If I'm going to break it into the traditional publishing, I need to improve by five-hundred percent and give them my best.

 Leave some of your thoughts on this post, I'll appreciate it.